The ducks are nibbling

In the book I'm reading (The Year of Magical Thinking) Joan Didion's husband John Dunne tells her, "See, I TOLD you working at Life would be like being nibbled to death by ducks!" I'm not sure why that is, but the phrase has stuck with me.

E. had a track meet on Monday afternoon in a neighboring town. I had never been to the high school before, but we found it and eventually found a place to park and then hiked over to the track. As I came in the gate I scanned the kids wearing the green sweats looking for E. I found her sitting on a grassy bank with her back to me. As I came closer I noticed she had a bag full of ice. Uh, oh! She slipped coming out of the starting blocks on her first race and fell on her right hand and her fingers, particularly her ring finger hurt.

I was checking her out, when the head coach came over and said, "What happened?" Um, hello? I just got here, perhaps you can tell by the folded up blankets and water bottles I am carrying? I said, "I was hoping YOU could tell ME! I just arrived here and found her like this."

He looks at me a beat, and I can see him wondering 'is she trying to be funny?' Then he squats down and looks at E's hand and says, "Did you hurt it doing shotput?" Oh Lord, this man is fulfilling every dumb jock stereotype. I am shocked. She doesn't DO shotput. Never has. Its obvious to me that not only does he not know what happened, he doesn't even know who E. is.

E has another race to run, but she and coach decide to scratch her and I take her home. She seems fine on the way home, except she can't move her fingers on her right hand. No need for ER. We ice, we tape, we find the tylenol and I send her to bed.

Next morning, still not doing well so I make her a doctor's appointment. Sure enough her finger is fractured. It's called an avulsion fracture. What happens is that the tendon pops off and takes a little piece of bone with it. She has a little splint to wear for six weeks to keep the finger straight and immobilized. Now her finger is just swollen and throbby.

What this means is that she do whatever she wants. What she can't do is band. You can't play clarinet with your ring finer wrapped up in hard plastic. The kicker is, she is an excellent clarinetist. She is first chair at her school, sitting ahead of kids a year older than her. She's been in three honor bands this year, playing first clarinet in two of them and now she can't practice for 6 weeks and it may be longer before she gets mobility back. She's not concerned. I am a basket case about it. I need to divest myself and quit living out my old glories through her. My old glories were pretty modest though.

K. woke up yelling that it hurt to pee again. Sigh. We go through this periodically. I take her to the doctor, urine sample is clear, doctor says to drink more, problem goes away. I've been trying to skip the middle man this time. She does not appear to have a UTI and the pain is intermittent, but lessens when she drinks a lot. Spasms? I suppose I need to take her in again, but I am hesitant. This child has absolutely no pain tolerance, but going to the bathroom shouldn't hurt. And sometimes it doesn't. Ah, confusion and indecision are constantly nipping at my heels. At least she slept all night.

So the voices in my head are really hounding me lately. I want to be a hermit in a mountain cabin where no one can come and tell me what ache or pain they are experiencing now. This is not how a concerned mother should act, is it? I told Kate that this was stressful for me because I had no control over how much she drank. SHE had to be responsible for this. Yelling at me about the pain may make her feel better, but it is tearing the heart out of me. I feel guilty and responsible for her pain, and yet we know that the solution is up to her.

The good news the diet is going well this week I think. I'm too stressed out to eat, which is saying something. Two days to weigh-in. I hope I can finally achieve the 20 pound mark and leave it behind me. I've been bouncing around it for a month now. And I must say my hair looks wonderful today.